I am too focused on what people think.

I am too focused on if people are glaring at me.

I am too focused on if people are judging me.

It’s irritating me to be concerned about what people think of me, the consequence of not self remembering. I open the door one time and the bad habits come rushing in as if Moorish invaders storm through the gates to pillage the castle. As it turns out to be more work to close the door each time. People tell me it doesn’t have to be this way. Along side with self observation is self remembering they work hand in hand. I must keep my focus on the symbiont relationship.

I take a walk around my broken world to relieve the burdens off my troubled mind. Trudging through the rocky plains of time I exist in disbelief only outside of the secluded lines. Could it be that I am happier looking at the other side of the fence? Always looking to the future, or I am to focused on the actions I took in the past, the future always stays in the future as well as the past stays in the past. I am not too focused on the present in which I must be. When I am in fear I stand like a statue motionless and breathless. With the next moment I must be remembering the force so I don’t live in fear.

The sense of time I’ve never possessed. I have to keep remembering to focus on the moment. Remembering back I did have trouble staying in the moment, living in fear wasn’t much trouble though. I kick the door down as if I am El Cid the Moorish invader. To over throw anything or anyone who stands in my way is the Moorish champion’s quest.  My mortal enemy Fear is stationed in front of me. My conquest begins to pick off the fear one by one. The war will rage on for an infinite amount of time. I shall leave the past in the past, and not dwell so much on the projections of the future. The future hasn’t happened.

-Sid

Another year goes by as I begin my 32^nd season.                                        June 22 2010

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Still I am a broken man,

A broken man living in a broken world.

A broken world with many broken people with in it.

Walking the life to which is in front of me.

Walking with great purpose to fulfill the happiness which is

inside of me.

One step in front of another, walking with peace of mind and awarness.

I do not wish to reach the end, for the end is never happy. I live my life in the beginning, and not look forward to the end. Why must a moment have to come to an end? Could it be a moment could not have an end, can a moment infinitely continue to the next? My world is filled with questions. Questions I grow understanding for. I look upon the overlay of that world to an understanding that I do not accept the world for what it is. The next preceding moment is soothing cos’ I create my own reality. Long have I sat on this mountain top of wondering. Long have I sat to contemplate the existence of me. Where do I fit? Walking through the darkeness with ease. Walking the dark path in hope to see some form of light, even if it’s just for a moment.

-Sid

I find myself lost, undecided on what to do with my life, how to enjoy life, who to enjoy life with, where to enjoy life, and why I should enjoy life? All these questions are satisfying when you’re looking towards the future from the present. Though I am smart to know if I don’t do what’s necessary now I won’t have those answers to those questions I ask now. I don’t mind so much that things don’t work out the way I have them planned until they don’t work out. HA.

I must trudge through the obstacles before me, and believe me there’s always obstacles. Existence would not be meaningful without obstacles. When we prescribe to the perception that existence needs no obstacles we are walking through the days blind. As well as manufacturing obstacles is a waste of energy. In my experience obstruction is necessary to be able to learn how to live. An individual’s perception centers in the mind. Mind went blank. Till next time. Are we confined to the theory that existence is one big cosmic joke the universe is playing on us? On that rational is existence worth living? Would I wanna still live if it had no meaning? I suppose if we think or feel we have no purpose in this vast universe it’s why we manufacture a belief that there is a meaning to live. Our subsistence is trash being tossed on the ground. A great big universe stretched through out time filled with small purposeful actions. To find meaning in the universe is to keep trudging through life’s struggles. I suppose we have to create rewards for ourselves so we can finish the tasks we don’t wanna do. I don’t know something seems a bit odd with that. So another day passes as I write down what’s on my mind.

-Sid

This has to be the best all time ecard i have gotten in my life.

http://www.americangreetings.com/ecards/display.pd?prodnum=3117928&N=374446+374226+378199&Ne=378199

It’s been a while since I have written. The days I am spending are composed of numbers, and calculating sums. Each moment of the days are different, just as each math problem is. I have realized though if I do math like I do life I get the math work done. With in the difference of each life moment, you can find similarities. As I discovered math to be just like that. How many times do we skip over a problem in life and go back later to solve? In my self-observation exercises I am aware I do it quite often.

In a book I started reading I came across a statement I thoughly enjoyed. “These things look so to me; to otherwise: Let us say out our uttermost word, and let the all prevailing truth, as it surely will, judge between us”. People care too much about what others say, and as a result I started caring to much of what I say to other people. A problem I am working through. These are not even people in my inner circle, or ones who have a key to my America. I became aware of this problem a few days ago. When I was slammed on the pavement with disbelief, like why the fuck should I worry about choosing my words with people I don’t know. I mean do I really need to impress anyone, or be in fear of people I don’t know? No I don’t. When I am living in fear or having to impress someone, then I am not being myself, I am letting the committee of my mind corrupt me.

It can be so easy to let society corrupt you. I feel even with the moments where society has corrupt me I have shown greater resistance towards corruptions of society. I am more awake then others which only means I can be a productive member of society. So another day passes as I write down what’s on my mind.

-Sid

The long road I walk down hungry and cold,

to where I go I don’t know.

I can only see a few steps in front of me,

for the darkness is to dark.

Using my thoughts as a map, I make my way through a forest

of abandon buildings,

shut down by the by the republican president that once was.

Searching for others like me, I am convinced I will find them in this town.

Every now and then life throws a curve ball, and I bump into someone with

similar beliefs.

The long road I walk down against the wind and away from the flock.

Sheep’s that follow the shepherd.

The shepherd; the ones that tell you what you need to believe.

Really they should not follow the shepherd, for he is blind to

what’s best for you.

The long road I walk down in societies made up of humans that don’t know how to use their brain.

So they watch T.V., go to collage, or find some one to tell them what to do.

A merry-go-round of lies for societies control, brain wash for the weak minded, not necessarily for the ones who need their brain washed, but for every human on this planet. So now we go back to the shepherd, to have control over everything. Why? For money, power, but most importantly for control. So this is only my opinion, or is it what I have experienced? No matter. I am not telling any one what to do, all I am saying is let your instincts be your guide, cos’ they’re never wrong. Control your own actions. Don’t let others control them. Question what you’re unsure of; define your own right and wrong.

The long road I walk down to see societies greed.

I look around to see robots all around me,

and these robots have too be bright, with such a distraction to keep us from looking

over there

I look in the mirror, and ask myself am I a robot…………………………………..?

Robots don’t wonder if their robots.

I exist in this world to watch.

The tragedy is what I see.

Every place I’ve been a common occurrence I experience.

Are human’s symbionts or parasites?

Could human’s be the virus that will end up killing them?

So another day passes as I write down what’s on my mind.

-Sid

Walking through this maze I put myself in, I bump into a million mirrors of different I’s from the past. I’ve done so many things and been so many I’s. I’ve met quite many people along the way. Early on in life I always wanted to be an explorer, seeking out adventure. I seem to encounter long ago that life is an adventure. All my life I have been in search for something, come to find out I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, and that feeling bothered me like a splinter in my mind. Every where I went trying to find happiness, comfort, and friends, mean while the splinter getting ever so bigger. I never found it cos’ what I was looking for I was running from. They say you don’t know what you got till it’s gone, and after 7 years later I experienced that. My life so far has been a spiritual adventure. As a kid I wanted to discover new things and so far with this endless adventure I have. So another day passes as I write down what’s on my mind.

-Sid