…please could you stay awhile to share my grief  for its such a lovely day  to have to always feel this way and the time that I will suffer less is when I never have to wake. "Wandering Star" – Portishead

After my wife and I separated, I was lost.  There was an intense feeling of not knowing what to do with myself. There were times when I would be walking and realize I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going.  I would near a state of panic. That’s basically what grief is – a feeling caused by the end of or change of familiar patterns and behavior.

Don’t get me wrong…there was a sense of freedom – from the battles, the emotional roller coaster.  But there was also the fear of loneliness and rejection.  There was a point where I wanted to immediately attach myself to someone else but I knew that would have been bad.  I had to fight the urge to fill a void by trying to continue similar habits with a different person.

I know there are people who do this…in the past I would have called them weak-minded. I  also now know there are others that feed off of this weakness.  I wouldn’t have been able to grow as a person by clinging to someone/something else hoping they would fix the pain and confusion…looking for the quick fix.  If I wanted to do that I would have self medicated…legally or illegally.  But after the euphoria wears off, you start chasing that  feeling again and again without truly achieving the satisfaction of confronting the root of your pain.

So here I am in recovery…claiming my circumstances instead of them claiming me.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, March 8th, 2009 at 11:45 am and is filed under Junk food for thought. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.